Before we begin, I do not have COVID, and, according to my antibodies, I have never had COVID. I am fully boosted by my Pfizer expansion pack, and I drink water on occasion. I cannot say the same for my friend Will, who had COVID at Fish Bar just before Thanksgiving.
Because I live in New York City, where you’re required to show proof of vaccination before unmasking indoors, I tend to feel pretty safe in public spaces. That all changed when my friend Will had COVID at Fish Bar.
We went to Fish Bar, a blue box on E 5th Street with dollars hanging from the ceiling. We bought two beers, both of us completely oblivious to the fact that Will had COVID at Fish Bar. Other than the disease quietly ravishing Will’s body from the inside out, I would say that the vibe at Fish Bar was a 10 out of 10. It’s like drowning with your eyes open in a toilet full UV blue toilet cakes but in the most relaxing way possible.
I can’t remember what beer we had because my psyche has been irrevocably damaged by the fact that my fully vaccinated friend Will had a mild case of COVID (I’m an empath), but let’s say they were five out of 10 PBRs and call it a day.
I bet you’re wondering how I found out that my friend Will had a nearly asymptomatic case of COVID at Fish Bar. Well, I didn’t. I found out the next day when he took a rapid test and it was positive because his nose was completely stuffed with COVID the way Build-A-Bears are stuffed by hateful children with diapers.
Thankfully, we were one of the few people in Fish Bar and the bartender was wearing a mask, so because Will had COVID in Fish Bar, this earns attendance a nine out 10.
The point deduction is because Will was there and he had COVID. Although, when he alerted everyone he had been in contact with in the past week to the fact that he had COVID, it turned out that he was the only person who had contracted COVID, and his bones are destined for baby’s bread.
“I never thought I would be the kind of guy to get COVID,” Will texted me from his self-isolation uptown, “[then] I realized that I’m totally the type of guy to get COVID.”
Fish Bar receives a final score of 8 out of 10, and COVID gets a 0 out of ten. Schedule your booster shot and check on your friend Will.