Boys are better in books than in NYC, reviewed
Happy new year, Damon Salvatore.
What would it be like if Damon Salvatore from The Vampire Diaries came to my New Year’s Eve party?
First, he would take a big sniff. He would say, “Mm. My, my, my. Are those tiny wet spots on the floor next to your porcelain throne human urine puddles? Mmm, yes. They sure smell like it.”
He would take another deep inhale, then relish the exhale, letting it puff out of his nose. He’d continue.
“I can smell the electrolytes. Has someone in here been drinking Glacier Freeze Gatorade? No… that’s not it,” he’d tap his chin, letting concentration show on his face. Like we were playing chess, not discussing pissers.
“It’s not Gatorade. It’s the urine of skaters that smoke cigarettes ‘socially,’ right?”
Of course he’d be right. But I’d be too embarrassed to say it — there were three skaters at my party, and they were the only reason the attendance was a six out of 10.
“Please stop stereotyping me,” I would say instead, deflecting. “Don’t you know I’m a woman finding herself in the Big Apple?”
Damon’s face would fall. He would have had recently started watching And Just Like That… on HBO Max and it would have had made him realize that women.
He’d grab the open bottle of champagne, which I spent over $50 on which makes it a 10 out of 10 because I wanted to make my friends feel like they were drinking a gift but unfortunately alcohol tastes like alcohol so I’m giving it a 10 out of 10 to help justify spending $50 on alcohol because Food and Wine told me it would make a difference, from the table. He’d gulp it down in quick, burning bubbles, his face turning red out of habit, not because there would be a pulse or any heat under that milk/alabaster/pinecone skin.
“Here, take this hat,” I’d say to diffuse the situation, knocking him playfully on the shoulder.
Then he would kill us all because he’s a bloodthirsty vampire. Oh no! But also oh, so sexy. I would immediately come back to life to purchase this sequin Damon Salvatore pillow from Etsy. I would receive confirmation of my purchase right before midnight so I can start the new year in style, a vibe which is yet another 10 out of 10.
Damon Salvatore hypothetically coming to my New Year’s Eve party is a rounded-up nine out of 10. Now, let’s kiss!