Although I am not single (FLEX!!!), I went to the Hot Singles Party at Blinky’s Bar in Williamsburg on Thursday because I thought it would be funny. It was, and everyone there was a Slim Jim.
For those that don’t know, a Slim Jim is a wrapped beef stick. This is a five out of 10.
Although the Slim Jim brand makes other products such as pork rinds, spicy potato chips, and hunky beef strips, the company’s namesake product, the Slim Jim, is by far their most popular offering. Slim Jims come in a few different flavors (like Original, Tangy BBQ, Buffalo Style, Deli Style, and Original Turkey) and sizes (giant, monster, and savage). I am partial to Original giant.
At the Hot Singles Party, most people were Teriyaki Slim Jims with six grams of protein — gloopy, tangy, and with three splotches of black pepper on their balls. Some people were Nacho Slim Jims, and, at first, this made me sick to my stomach like I ate too many Slim Jims. My friend handed me a shot of Jameson and whatever cheap beer the bar had on tap. I sipped the shot like a baby goat at a farm. Six out of ten.
Slim Jims are often highly social and virulently sexual. I knew this when I decided to attend the party, but I felt that my youth spent eating plain street hot dogs and writing My Chemical Romance fanfiction prepared me for it.
But I was a baby then, and now, everything is different. These Jims were virulent, all right, but also pathetically bashful; their horniness collected behind sealed plastic wrapping like a windstorm trapped under glass. Although disgusting, I found the whole thing powerful to watch from a distance. My black jelly irises blazed as the bar burned with horny, but I knew I was safe and that it could not harm me.
The Hot Jimgles Party was well attended. Not surprising since every 26-year-old in Williamsburg is either single, ethically non-monogamous, or has a mullet. The rows of Jims and Jims made it difficult to get Jameson shots from the bar, but the garden area was pleasantly packed with comfortable seating, perfect for mingling with Dill Pickle Slim Jims. Another six out of 10 for attendance.
We asked some Jims we didn’t know if they were having fun and they said “medium to no.” Well, that settles it. Blinky’s Giant Hot AF Spicy Meat Stick party receives a final score of five out of 10, and we live to see another day and build a house made of Smokin’ Mesquite beef strips.